I have been struggling with fatigue. Bone-crushing, I can’t remember a thing, my body aches, am I okay to be driving? Fatigued. I’ve been falling asleep most days in my chair. Sometimes, I know it’s coming, and other times, I’m out before I even know what’s happening.

My fatigue started some years back, but this particular bout is a 2026 special edition. Fatigue 3000. I am going to the doctors about this, and I have had the usual “Your blood tests came back fine”, followed by the suggestion of upping my mental health meds. Not particularly helpful for weeks on end of unfreshing sleep.

Maybe I should take a hot bath *laughs in chronically ill*.

The lack of good-quality sleep and the constant fights with the doctors have made me super grumpy. It has left me with high intolerance and a serious lack of humour. In a lot of ways, I haven’t felt or been myself for months. I am irritable and sensitive, and my skin issues are off the charts. Everything feels grim. Like a thousand ants crawling over my zombie limbs. Every item of clothing is so irritating to wear – my usual sensory issues are on fire. The sun causes mega prickly heat, and I can’t be out in the sun for too long, even with suncream.

I flit between being a carb fanatic, trying ever so hard not to lose myself to a nine-pack of energy drinks. To a person who is so uninterested and can’t be bothered with food. I am hot all day, every day, but I still want a blanket, something to snuggle under. I feel like I could sleep for a week.

Worst still than all these things are the thoughts of “I should”. I should be doing PhD work; I should be playing with Little Man on the floor; I should be sleeping more, eating better, and exercising more. I should. I should. I should. 

I have reflected on crip time before (Finding Focus), but now, as I await the slow, painful confirmation of whatever is going on with me, I am struggling to lean in. All these thoughts and theories, all these ideas are not always practical. It doesn’t help with school runs, basketball practice, a degree, socialising, and keeping a house. A person can only lean in so much, and a person can only have their eyes closed for a certain amount of the day.

I am trying to pace properly for the first time. Pacing may or may not help with the things I’ve listed, but it helps with looking after my body and mind, which are the most important things. That doesn’t mean that I can easily let go of the “I shoulds”. I grew up in a society and family where productivity was King, and that is a lot to unlearn. And that is also tiring.

I think I put too much on myself, so maybe this blog, and subsequent blogs on this topic, is a way to give myself permission to sit down, chill out, and not judge myself over these things. I am a human being, not a human doing. I’ll start by closing this laptop and making a cup of tea.