I’m doing better at taking things slower. It’s taking some getting used to, going against the ingrained need to always be productive, to always be doing, to always be on. Raging against capitalism whilst having little choice but to actively engage in it.

Generally, I’m at a place where I don’t mean to rush things, overburden myself or burn out. I’m less worried about deadlines, about being late and about timelines. Not only has this been an easier way of being, it organically allows for timeliness. When I take the stress out of things my brain has less to contend with. There is less fog and bullshit to navigate.

I am applying this thought process to PhD study, too. A PhD is not a masterclass in cramming in as much possible and rushing around like a headless chicken; it’s a slow, meaningful, intentional process. Small steps taken one at a time, sometimes forwards, sometimes sideways, and regular steps back but a slow progress forward all the same.

I still struggle to just be, to sit and let my mind wander and diverge, to go completely off topic and then circle back to the centre. To sit in a naturally occurring flow state, not stuck in front of a computer screen or worrying over emails. The sunshine has helped so much with me carving out intentional thinking time, and time to let the thoughts percolate. Deep thought cannot be achieved by rushing between meetings and punitive deadlines.The deep thought required of PhD study needs space, time, quiet and calmness. That isn’t the preview of most supervisory teams, or the typical academic career trajectory. That doesn’t make it any less true, it just makes it more difficult to access.

I still need pressure to do things, of course, but it needs to be applied in a non-damaging way. A constant re-negotiation of time, mental energy, expectations and interest. My PhD is honing my ability and agility to move between all of these simultaneously. The knowledge, the output, the big thing at the end, is important but how I get there safely and effectively is what I spend more of my time pondering.

I may be living my second year dream right now but I will maintain this calm. I have fought too hard to get to this headspace to lose it to the academy. To drop my community in it when we are already drowning. I deserve calm. I deserved it when I was a baker, I deserved it at a youth worker and I deserve it now as an academic. You are not witnessing me in cloud cuckoo land, I am all to aware of how higher education can brake people. What I am coming into is my era of putting my calm before the expectations of others.