As people who are both neurodivergent and queer, we have to make the continuous difficult decision of coming out. Who to tell, when to tell, how much to tell and what we want from revealing parts of ourselves.
Keeping safe
How do we know that who we are sharing our identities and our experiences with are safe? Unfortunately, we can’t. Some people we may think are safe – who we think will understand us or support us – do not always respond that way.
Some of us never get that closure and that can mean a breakdown in friendships, relationships, and even leaving work places or social groups. If we are unsafe emotionally and / or physically we don’t really have a choice.
Coming out isn’t always a big event – it can come up naturally in conversation. Unfortunately, this informality doesn’t stop potential microaggressions like: “how can you be bi, you’re married to a man?” “you don’t look Autistic” “Chronic Fatigue isn’t a real thing” “non-binary doesn’t exist”.
For some of us coming out is easier and safer than it is for others, so we may be out in some spaces and not in others. Someone’s “out-ness” is not a measure of how queer or neurodivergent they are, it is a statement of their privacy and safety.
Why come out at all?
Coming out, in all its multifarious forms, means we don’t have to over-explain or excuse ourselves for who we. In some instances, the loss of people from our lives, despite the hurt and upset, is a blessing in disguise. These people are not worthy of our majesticness and it is not our job to persuade them otherwise.
Coming out as queer and neurodivergent means we can be in meaningful relationships with mutual understanding. Coming out can be responded to in a good, caring and empathetic way. We can be better supported and taken for who we are. Sometimes this happens with unexpected people or in unexpected places.
Coming out about our neurodivergence or transness can also help in the workplace or within education. In the UK students can get support within schools and higher education if and when they are diagnosed as Autistic, ADHD or otherwise neurodivergent (although this can be a postcode lottery and hard fought for).
In universities in the UK, students can access Disabled Students Allowance which may help with extra time in exams, help with getting to university and work placements, and assistive technology.
Similar adjustments can be made within UK work places either directly or through Access to Work which can help with accommodations in the work place (I’m still waiting to hear back from access to work by the way. A whole year on).
Queer people should also have our rights protected in education and school in the UK, in which we should be able to change names, change pronouns, use the facilities we need to, and be respected and safe in the workplace.
Of course, these are things which are meant to happen and be protected by law but it is far from some people’s experiences.
Coming out as queer and neurodivergent is hard and scary, we need to make sure we stay safe whilst being who we are. It can also be exceedingly liberating, especially when we find similar others and start to build chosen families and communities.