‘Ally’ is a verb. Allyship is a thing which is done, a constant work and rework, learning and unlearning to support others who experience life differently or hold different identities. It is a moniker that should be given to an individual by people from the community, it should never be a label we give ourselves.  Allyship goes beyond performative actions such as putting up a rainbow flag during Pride or sharing information during Autism Acceptance month with no inclination of thinking about or supporting us the rest of the year.

In some situations, this fake allyship is used to elicit money from queer people, Autistic people, and our families – “oh look, a beer with a rainbow on!” However, that is not to say that this performance is not in some ways (inadvertently?) helpful, the rainbow beer in question definitely provoked far-right people, especially in the U.S, to reflect on their humanity. Or perhaps it just gave them another excuse to hate queer people who have now presumably come after ‘their’ beer. The same can be said for autism organisations who depend on a tragedy narrative to carry their charity forward financially (see the trouble with puzzle pieces) these organisations use our identities and lived experiences for profit – whether based in truth, and harm reduction, or not.

During Autism Acceptance Month lots of people share information online – good, bad, ugly, outdated, and harmful alike. Many of these organisations say they want to support Autistic people but don’t really have the first idea about Autistic experiences. Appropriate and helpful information does not underpin the practice of many of these organisations throughout the year, including the month of April. These organisations might identify as autistic-inclusive or neurodiversity-affirming with little or no input from Autistic and otherwise ND people.

Deciphering whether an organisation is helpful and supportive, or not, can be very difficult. Autistic ‘allyship’ can lure us in with ‘acceptance’ of our weird, eccentric or funny ways of being. Meltdowns and shutdowns, however, will not be tolerated. Asking questions and challenging ideas will not be tolerated. This is especially difficult when the person tolerating them are part of the initial issue in the first place. As Autistic people we constantly have to question: who is creating these safe spaces, who decided that this was a safe space, and is it safe for me as an individual? What is safe for one person will not be safe for another, irrespective of shared neuro-cognitive styles or gender, sexual and relational identities.

We do not live in a vacuum; we are all of ourselves all of the time (whether it is safe for us to show that or not). Our intersections of identities and experiences will affect us every day. Many Autistic and/ or queer people have divergent mental health and have been shown, or explicitly told, to not be here anymore. It is why so many of us experience some form of agoraphobia in our lifetimes. We live with the fear of what we might be subjected to by not fitting ideas of normativity. This makes going out of our homes unsafe. What do organisations and individuals who are not Disabled or neurodivergent know about our experiences? Especially, if they are actively adding to the conditions that make it difficult for Disabled people to engage in everyday life outside our homes.

The words ‘ally’ and ‘safe space’ (or as I prefer ‘safer space’) have their place but they can be used by people and organisations for status, power and money. Even when people are well-meaning these ideas can be poorly implemented. Safe and inclusive spaces need to be safe for people to be emotional and intense. Life is hard, humaning is hard, we are allowed to have and show our emotions in the way that suits us, as long as we are not physically harming anyone.

Autistic people, queer people, people with neurodivergent mental health (and many other marginalised people) need allies and safe spaces, but allies have to understand that a lot of their work is going to be just that: work. It is not a pin or label they put upon themselves; it is not a status of liberalism. It is about fighting with us, fighting for us in places when we aren’t there, participating in change and championing difference.

Don’t just speak a good game, play it.