“My child just came out to me, what do I do?” I have been asked this question many times as a professional. For many of the families I work with I am the only openly queer person they know. My first piece of advice? Breathe, everything feels a little better after a deep breath, it gives us time to process and focus (and for neurodivergent people it can often help us avoid any facial expressions that could be misconstrued!).

The steps after this are simple however this does not mean that they will be easy for you and your young person. If you’re reading this as a parent/carer and you are worried, this means that you care and you want to get it right. These first steps are a guide, a starting point for your journey to trans allyship (if you have this same question but for a friend or work colleague this may help: An Ally’s Guide).

Reassure them

Your first job is to reassure them that your love is unconditional – nothing they can do or say could make you love them less. Allow them to share what they want and need to at the time. Leave the conversation open, so they know they can always come to talk to you.

No matter your relationship, this conversation will have been really scary for them. Celebrate their bravery in whatever way they like – going for a treat, having a film night, or their favourite dinner.

Reassure yourself

This might sound peculiar but it is really important. You can experience all the feelings. You are allowed to feel shocked, scared, and worried, but, importantly, this is for you to process away from the person who came out to you.

You may feel ‘grief’ but remember that your child is alive and that getting things right for them now and in the future will help with that life.

If you are struggling to unpack and manage your feelings by yourself there are many LGBT+ and trans specific parent/carer support groups. They can be face-to-face or online and can work as a great way of sharing information and creating connections. PFLAG are a great group based in the U.S.

Ask them what they need

Ask them if they need anything to affirm their gender – this could include a haircut, new clothes, makeup etc. They may chose to present themselves differently at home than they do other places, and this will likely change as they tell more people about themselves. Safety is important, so too is joy.

Your young person may chose a new name and pronouns. Again, these may change – follow their lead. Practice their name and pronouns whilst they are not there – you can do this by yourself through repeating outloud and writing their new name and pronouns. Repetition really works. It’s okay to slip up occasionally – this is your brain telling you that you need to practice more.

Talk about the “circle of knowing”

Ask them who is in the “circle of knowing” about their gender. Noone needs to be told and certainly not right away. If and when your young person wants to bring more people into the circle of knowing support them with this. This means having conversations about who they might want to include and how to keep safe whilst in different places and situations. What may be safe and comfortable at home or school, might not be at church or work.

Find resources

There is so much good information out there! Biographies have always been a really helpful thing for me to understand my own experiences with gender. Learn as much as you can about your young person’s identity. This will need to include work on policy and other things that effect your child’s healthcare and access to other systems. These are usually reflected on by trans+ charities and groups (including TransActual and GIRES for UK policy) so there is no need to read pages of white papers, unless that’s your kind of thing!

You are your young person’s greatest ally and you will need to know as much as you can so you can advocate for them effectively. This might be something that you do together or apart, again this is something to ask your young person about. Trans people are not there to educate you but they can share about their own experiences when they are comfortable.

Here is a fab list of trans and non-binary books social media also offers a great space to follow trans+ influencers, content creators, charities and groups. Make community in whatever places you can, this may mean that your young person’s friend groups changes (or that yours does) and that is okay. You need to be around people who are open-minded enough and put your young person’s needs and safety first.