“You don’t have to wait until life isn’t hard anymore to be happy.”

I struggle with this a lot. I’ve had past experiences of abuse, neglect, and substance use entirely taint my present. It is difficult to hold space for the things I have survived while also letting the anger go. The anger was only hurting me and those I love. It wasn’t hurting those who had hurt me in the past; they could not care less how I felt, and for some, my pain was simply delicious.

I work on this balance every day, straddling the line between toxic positivity and abject fear and depression. It can be utterly exhausting. Some days I feel like these things happened in another lifetime, almost to another person. I couldn’t possibly be who I am today and achieved all I have with that as my past. When I share things with others, they are surprised by what I’ve experienced.

Happy people like me (or those perceived as happy anyway) are no less likely to have suffered abuse than any other person. In some ways, those of us who look after others, who enjoy making people laugh and feel valued, are the people who currently need that (or needed that very badly at seminal times in our lives). 

Some people comment that I’ve done so well despite my past. I suppose that cuts two ways: the championing of my resilience without even a nod to my abuser’s behavior. Yes, I am resilient, but I shouldn’t have to be. I should never have been put in the positions I was in and endured what I have. Resilience can be a burden.

Sometimes, resilience is hard to maintain. It is masking, passing, showing up when we don’t want to, and forcing ourselves when we can’t. It can be just as damaging as the things that have borne it.

The other issue is that survivors should not have to be perceived or treated like perpetual survivors. As if the abuse we suffered is our whole story. We are more than what our experiences have made us; we are more than what other people have made us. We are changed by our experiences, yes, but we are not the sum of them – many of us have worked so hard to stop the cycle of abuse and harm. It is not our abusers or anyone else who gets to claim our victories. They are ours.

I experienced trauma in my earlier life. And I experience a completely different life now. One is connected to another but not in a clean way, not in a way that I could explain, not currently. It just was. It just is. There are no excuses for anyone’s behavior, just a gentle folding away of memories. I may unfold them in the future, but I may not; that’s my choice.