Some times it’s really hard for me to listen to people talk about their Autistic and/or ADHD child. In some instances the parents know I’m neurodivergent but are more than happy to speak over me. They are happy to speak over a person who is trying to share their lived experiences and knowledge with them.

Perhaps people just want to vent. Perhaps I’m the only adult they’ve spoken to that day and they’re just letting it all out. Perhaps they don’t want my perspective, which is fine. What isn’t fine is trauma-dumping at me about the same experiences I face every day on an individual level (let alone as a parent myself). I can’t keep having the same conversations with parents who aren’t interested or aren’t ready for it yet. I’m too damn tired.

Some times the parents don’t know about my neurology and talk about their children in the worst way possible. Usually, these conversations are in front of the children, especially non-speaking children, under the guise that “they don’t get what I’m saying anyways”. These families have been so misinformed and had so much ableism flung their way that they sometimes can’t see the child just the behaviour they are associating with autism and ADHD.

I think what worries me most about these one-sided conversations – in which I am continually told I ‘don’t get it’ – is that this is how these parents treat Autistic adults; ignore, invalidate, gaslight. It genuinely makes me wonder what is going on at home for these families. I also wonder how many of these parents are neurodivergent themselves and have no resources, time or information to confirm this. Let alone time and resource to show themselves the love and compassion they deserve. It’s a difficult conversation for both of us to navigate.

My professional side wants to get people the support they need and give them information about local services. My advocacy side wants to share some resources from other Autistic folx. And my mum side wants to embrace the child and parent (in a way they are comfortable with, of course). I don’t have all the answers (I’m only one ND person after all) but I’d like to be taken seriously in these conversations.

What I want more than anything is for all ND kids to be listened to, loved and respected. To be taken seriously in childhood and adulthood when and if they choose to share their experiences. Not as a arbiter of autism, learning disability, spinal injuries, whatever… but as a person who can shine a light on families who have Disabled young people.

I’ve truly never known more wonderful people than ND and/or Disabled people. In my experience many of us want to support, uplift and help each other. I think it’s borne of wanting people to avoid what we’ve trudged through; trauma, inaccessibility, erasure, ableism…

Many of us strive to help younger Disabled people to live more authentically. But we must protect ourselves when engaging in these conversations, there are precious spoons for this. We have to centre our mental health, and, in more extreme cases, our physical safety.

This is not a bash on parents and carers, it’s a bash on a society which continues to spread harmful misinformation about Disabled lives. It’s a bash on a capitalist society which creates hierarchies in which some people can be believed and trusted and others can’t. It’s a bash on calling all people with similar experiences a ‘community.’ It’s a bash on a society who will do anything it can to not help families who have children and adults with complex medical needs. A society which constantly tells parents/carers, especially those of us with neurodivergent kids, that our children are broken and we are to blame.

We cannot learn to love ourselves and each other when we are constantly being told we are unworthy of love and support. When having conversations with parent/carers I always want them to know, feel and understand that their child belongs here.