I hate being late, but I also have issues with linear time. I often do not know how long it’ll take to do an activity, prep for something or travel somewhere. I’ve got calenders, a diary, alarms and all sorts but 25 odd years of using those hasn’t improved my understanding of time or prioritisation or how much I can actually get done in any one day.

“On time is late”

It was drilled into me during childhood that turning up early to something was turning up on time. And turning up at the agreed upon time was turning up late. This was a lot of pressure, especially for someone who just didn’t understand time.

I continued to turn up late to things still. My confusion with time has had me think things like “I have the dentist at 1 pm, so that’s when I need to leave”, forgetting it takes time to travel there and that I need time to gather my things and then transition into a place.

When I was younger, being late to things was a real issue – I would either turn up really early (especially when depending on public transport). I would turn up half an hour to an hour early to social events. I was more than happy in my own company and would often take a book to the pub, club, wherever.

Or I would turn up late and very frazzled. I couldn’t come calmly into a space if I was on time or late. That meant two things: I was using up a lot of time and effort being early to everything, or I turned up on time / slightly late very flustered. Turning up to school, college and university was always an issue, I was rarely ready to learn because I was emotionally heightened. Add the sensory and social environment, and I was toast. I would often skip university altogether, I would rather not turn up than be late. It felt less offensive to me. I definitely couldn’t stroll in late like other students with coffee in one hand and not a care in the world (more power to those who do things in a time that suits them).

Changing my expectations

Thankfully, my relationship with time has changed. Recognising myself as Autistic and probably Attentive Hyperactive has led me down a path of understanding and relative calmness about my expectations of keeping to time.

Time is a construct that allows for many systems and structures to function. Currently, those structures support capitalism and productivity. Children go to school at this time, workers work this amount of time per week, you can only have a certain amount of sick time before you’re pulled up, etc. Time in Global North perspectives is based on control, function and productivity. I don’t really hold to the idea or normalisation of rushing around to make money for myself or others.

I no longer feel beholden to rush any where. My first priority is my son and getting him to school and appointments, anything outside of that is negotiable. Would it be great to turn up on time and calmly? Yes, but with my fatigue and brain fog (made worse by looming perimenopause) isn’t going to allow for that. So, instead of chastising myself for being “useless” or “rude” I let people know if time is going to be an issue and keep them up to date on my journey to them.

I am often still late, or ridiculously early l, but that’s okay. As long as I am calm and “in the zone” when I arrive (I had wanted to write “useful” instead but that felt a little icky and I also don’t want to set a harmful 100% standard for myself). I have to work in a way that works for me instead of constantly skirting burnout.

I appreciate the privilege I have to be able to work and live in this manner. I’ll lean into more so that it honouring and taking our time becomes normal for more people.