I tried to write the positionality and reflexivity section of my PhD thesis today (the bit that tells the readers who I am and what lenses I see this work through). What I wanted to write is “I am trans, I am autistic, get over it”. I would love to say this, but of course academia does not allow for such brutal honesty, especially without a citation(!).

Often when I write academic work I am stuck between what I really want to say and making my thoughts, supported by data and other work in this area, more professional, more academic… less me? And that is a hard space to sit in.

It is difficult to read work around trans experiences that show us as abnormal. Even when work tries to be trans-affirming it can often miss the mark. Trying to keep safe whilst reading these papers can be hard.

When I read papers about autism, what I prefer to call “autistic experiences”, I am hit with the same issue; deficits, difficulties, issues, problems, burden, failure, disorder. I do not identify with any of these words, so it is difficult to read over and over how I am perceived to be doing life ‘incorrectly’. The pain of doing this work is not just in the writing, it is not just in hearing trans and gender diverse autistic adults experiences of inequity, it is in the work that is considered ‘gold standard’ in autism research and trans research.

What I want to write on these papers is “we are trans, we are Autistic and we matter”. I want to stand on a table and shout between cupped hands that our lives are important, our experiences are important, we are worth doing accurate, useful, and joyful research with.

I am not doing research that is theoretical to me, I am doing research within my community, with people who have very similar experiences to me. I don’t just read and write my research, I also live it. When I write my positionality and reflexivity section I really want to swear, I want to take the reader by the scruff of their neck and shake them -not violently, just enough for them to wake up. Wake up to the horrors that affect so many trans and gender diverse people in the UK, the harmful systems that fail autistic people and have done for centuries, and the vitriol and violence that affects those of us who dare to be trans and autistic.

I write this blog because I am all too aware that I will make myself smaller within my positionality and that fucks me off. I advocate for people to be their full selves all the time (if they are safe to do so), and here I am making myself smaller to appease the academic overlords. Not only this, I do work that hopes to decolonise neuro normativity and European ideals of the gender binary, fully aware that I am doing that within “Western” academia that centres and upholds white supremacy, capitalism, colonialism, and the othering of marginalised people. Another weird place to be in.

I am privileged to do the work I do, and to be able to engage in PhD, so I must continue to reflect on my intentionality and the harms that I might unintentionally commit. Take accountability and make change when I do inflict harm. I want my work to do no harm despite me having bought into a system that continues that harm. This is something I grapple with constantly.

What does bring me great joy and hope for academia, knowledge creation and sharing, is the amazing academics who share this space with me and those who did that long before me. There are amazing scholars who strive to dismantle, disrupt, and challenge formal ways of knowing. Not only are these academics brilliantly-minded they are resilient and brave. They create spaces and positions for people like me to attend postgraduate research, in the hope that we will not have to be so brave and resilient.

Perhaps my positionality and reflexivity section will remain formal, perhaps I can add an art element, perhaps I could share what I actually feel. I am privileged to have a space to share how I really feel – there will be art, there will be swear words, and people will get told and it won’t be in academic speak. That is why ‘grey literature’ (work that sits outside academia) is so important to me, they are the zines, blogs, love letters, text messages, the conversations that really create knowledge and allow people to say what they need to say. Peer review in these spaces are no less harsh but perhaps they are more human. Peer review this:

My name is Katie, my pronouns are they/them, I am trans, I am autistic, I have had issues in health and social care. I want other people to get the health and social care they need. How many protests, complaints, and fucking journal articles do we need before someone actually does anything?