Arguing in a room by myself

woman in white dress shirt sitting behind a table listening and arguing

Something I’ve been working on for a while and it’s a habit that is really hard to kick – not taking questions from others as them being antagonistic or belittling me.

This is hard as it has been my experience since I was little. I have always had someone devaluing what I say, being dismissive or gaslighting me.

Family members, school teachers, classmates, partners…

These people constantly wanted to undermine my knowledge and self-assurance.

It was nothing but manipulation.

And now I am affirmed in my Neurodivergence I understand it for what it is: ableism with a dash of misogyny and childism.

People wanted me to be me but not like that.

They wanted me to be clever but not cleverer than them.

They wanted me to conform whilst telling me I shouldn’t lie and should just ‘be myself.’

All these are reasons why I elevate non-argumentative conversations to just that: someone arguing with me or purposely misunderstanding me for their own gain.

I find this even harder in written communication where I have even less understanding due to not being able to see or hear the persons point of view.

I’m not brilliant with social cues, but not having them at all is even worse!

I’m working on it, every day. Sometimes I don’t have the spoons to have a convo, or stick up for what I believe in. It’s a shame but not necessarily a problem.

I have to remember that people usually ask questions because they’re interested.

Not everything is a red flag.

One response to “Arguing in a room by myself”

  1. “I’m not brilliant with social cues, but not having them at all is even worse!”

    I only recently realized this about myself, too! I was wondering why work has been so much more miserable since COVID, and I realized: Working remote, I have been operating in a very painful scarcity of important cues as to what is happening ona social level. Written words, so often a source of joy to me before, have come to feel torturous when compared to the spoken kind.

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