Content warning: abuse, cPTSD, intrusive thoughts, self harm.
I don’t talk about my OCD very often. Its a very difficult thing to talk about. It sounds both baffling, ridiculous and very scary, and that’s because it is.
I have several intrusive thoughts, from one or two a day to near constant. I think about old issues, remember very scary parts of horror films and imagine all sorts of awful things that could happen to me and my family.
These intrusive thoughts can also leek into my dreams and downtime. Giving me very graphic, weird and scary dreams.
I also have compulsions. Anything from throwing hot beverages into people’s faces and throwing things, to eating non-edible objects.
I never do them but the thoughts can be very strange and scary – like my brain has been taken over by someone else.
And this makes me question my morals, what is important to me and quite frankly it makes me question the very fabric of reality sometimes. It’s like I am constantly gaslighting myself.
My OCD tends to get me when I am most vulnerable. It’s with me all the time whether I am on medication or not but when I am burnout or in meltdown it makes the intrusive cPTSD memories and thoughts more overwhelming.
Being Autistic and Attention Hyperactive makes OCD a trickier thing to understand and deal with. So many of the characteristics overlap or fight against one another. I’m slowly disentangle all of this so I can progress my mental health care and hopefully share techniques with other OCDers.