I had my annual review earlier this week and it was super intense but also very helpful. An annual review is a conversational exam-of-sorts that happens annually during PhD study. At mine, there were lots of challenging questions asked, but I was super happy with my responses and how I held myself and my convictions throughout.

Speaking to one of the reviwers at an event my review, I asked whether I had eye-rolled at all (I do this unconsciously more often than I’d like, I’m working on it) and she said one eyeroll “Slipped through”. I knew the moment she was talking about – the moment the other reviewer said that it’s good to hear from professional’s perspectives. I know that this is true but ultimately it’s not something I want to do, especially with the historical (current?) focus in research to talk to everyone around the person but not the trans/autistic person themselves.

I will need to talk with the co-researchers and supervisors to work out where we go from here. What I’m doing in the mean time is digging into my ‘why’, and who I want to be as a researcher. I think the midway point is a good time to go back to basics, find our why and then plan according to that.

When the times get tricky, tough, confusing or scream-worthy I get out large paper and felt tips. This time the process started with the question: “Who do I want to be as a researcher?” Honestly, that felt like a really big question, so I went back further – I thought about what is important to me and what my values are.

What’s important to me? What are my values?

The only thing on my mind map that was a surprise to me was the want to become a good neurodivergent, queer elder. ‘Elder’ in queer circles does not always mean someone who has reached a certain age, rather someone who has a lot of experience navigating life as an “out” LGBTQIA+ person. I don’t see myself as an elder currently but it’ something I’m slowly moving towards.

What do I mean by being a good elder? Honestly, I’m not sure. Maybe it is being the person I needed when I was younger, an older queer person to look up to, to learn from, to spend space and identity with. I’ve been lucky to support a few trans autistic master’s students who are thinking about PhD, and it’s been one of my favourite things in academia so far. I think this makes a lot of sense for my second mind map looking at my values:

• Equity and inclusion
• Community and creating safer spaces
• Social justice and liberation
• Listening
• Finding queer ways of being
• Anarchist, anti-capitalist values
• Championing difference
• Rule bending (!?)
• Centring love, care, and connection
• Challenging power dynamics and decentring whiteness

My favourite from this list, and definitely not a surprise, was “Untangling my own bullshit”. I am working on that a lot more than I thought I would during the PhD. Unlearning the many harmful things I’ve picked up in my life, disentangling my internalised ableism, misogyny, racism and more. I’m still trying to work where I sit within anarchist values, anti-capitalism, and abolition. It’s a lot to unpack but it’s also important.

Who do I want to be as a researcher?

When I finished these two mind maps I felt more comfortable to come back to my original question. I might be unpacking this question for a while and that’s okay. The job title might change, and that’s okay too. Maybe these ideas should go across different forms of practice and being.

I want to continue to learn how to reflect and use my privilege to become a critical friend to myself and other researchers. To become more open to different methods and way of seeing issues. I want to continue to be strong and passionate and learn how to be fearless too.

Where do I/we go from here?