Those who disengage from gender, sex and romantic experiences are seen as broken, or that we simply need to meet ‘the right person’. Some people wrongly believe that Autistic people are not capable of loving relationships and are not interested in intimacy. This may be true for some Autistic people but not all. These beliefs contribute to the lack of relationship and sex education in many ‘specialist’ schools in the UK – Autistic and learning-Disabled young people are not considered capable (or worthy of?) romantic love and intimacy. Not only is this incorrect, lack of education in this area can make vulnerable Autistic people more vulnerable to abuse, grooming and assault.

Many films and TV shows set a foundation for this misunderstanding of sexuality and romantic relationships for Autistic people (whether asexual and aromantic or not). Many Autistic or Autistic-coded characters in media show little to no interest in sexual or romantic connection (Rain Man, Sheldon Cooper, Sam Gardner from Atypical, to name a few). Not only are these characters infantilised they also benefit from a non-Autistic other to “teach” them how to love and be intimate. All relationships (sexual or not) should be a space to love, grow and learn, however these characters are almost forced into the “normality” of intimate heterosexual relationships. It’s kind of creepy.  

Despite these depictions Autistic people who are asexual and aromantic (ace and aro) are shunned for being the way many people portray them! These portrayals are a parody of Autistic experience, saying that we must be coerced into normal behaviour. This accepts the perceived abnormality of both Autistic and asexual experiences, suggesting that both need fixing. Autistic people do not need fixing, asexual and aromantic people do not need fixing.

Here are things we do need…

*If someone tells you they are asexual, aromantic and Autistic, believe them.

*Do not assume their identity is known to everyone. Do not out this person unless they have explicitly said that it was okay to do so.

*Read up on ace / aro / Autistic identities, especially content from people at this intersection.

*Don’t assume everyone needs sex and romance to be happy!

*Don’t automatically assume that all Autistics are ace / aros.

*Don’t ask intrusive questions about someone’s sex life. It’s really inappropriate.

*Call out ace and aro-erasure and phobia and educate others along the way.

*Start understanding and supporting platonic and queer platonic relationships.

Things to remember:

*Ace people do not have to be touch, affection or sex averse. They may be any mix of intimate with others. Similar with aromantic people.

*Autistic needs are human needs.

*Ace people may have additional identities. They may be attracted romantically to others so may be gay, lesbian, pan etc.

*Consent should be sought for everything, consent is not just for sex.

*Ace / aro people are not broken, they do not need fixing and it’s not because they haven’t found the right person yet!

*Sensory differences may play a part in intimacy for Autistic people. So might trauma. This does not mean that ace / aro identities are a “symptom” of either of these.