The chaotic mind

wistful black woman with eyes closed touching face in thoughts

I am Autistic, Attention Hyperactive (see Ditching the Disorder and Deficit) and OCD, that means there is a lot of chaos within me. As an Autistic person I love routine, I thrive when I go to the same places, eat the same food and wear the same clothes. It erases so much anxiety around the unknown. My AH means I need more stimulation and more variety than a set routine can give me. It says ‘yes’ to everything which sounds fun, novel and interesting. I love the idea of all the things I book in, yet on the day my anxious Autistic ass hates going somewhere different or doing something new.

I also experiences similar neurological infighting with how much I can or want to do on any given day. I’ll book things in advance because of my Autistic sensibility, then anxiety and a good dollop of demand avoidance takes over and I’m back to sitting in my house doing the same three or four things I always do.

OCD has her own ideas on what my brain and body should be focusing on which usually pulls against both my Autistic and AH embodiment. Sometimes moving in strange compulsive ways goes hand in hand with my stimming but sometimes it upsets my sensory needs. Add chronic migraines, asthma, pain and fatigue and I am staring down the barrel of neuro-chaos 2: chronic boogaloo.  

There are lots of elements of my embodiment that I enjoy but sometimes I would like my chaotic mind to quiet for a bit so I can actually relax – are neurodivergent people allowed to do that!?

One response to “The chaotic mind”

  1. The disorder and deficit bit is wrong as it’s patronising, excludes, inhibits and supports a narrative that supports shaming. These words need not be used in a diagnosis or descriptor of an individual, of autism or ADHD (that could be renamed).

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