Autistic parenthood: Who am I?

man in black shirt

I’ve been off the last few weeks, not really feeling myself, I’m content but also really low.

Nothing has been interesting me, I just get up do whatever I’m doing and then wait for bed time, to get up and do it all again.

I have lots of projects ending, projects beginning, lots of waiting on people to get back to me about work, writing, dates and times, all sorts of scheduling. This is just an Attention Hyperactive nightmare for me.

Then comes the mum guilt, like I’m not doing enough. Like I’m the reason he’s not where I assumed he’d be at with his speech and language. And then that reminds me of his trip to hospital at the beginning of the year and it makes me cry so much. I just want to protect him and there are just things I can’t protect him from no matter how hard I try.

I can’t spend time with my kid because of work, I can’t stop work cause I need to pay bills. The kind of work I can do comes with a lot of depending on others who are often flakey and / or overworked themselves.

Working with other ND and Disabled people is amazing but it isn’t always straight forward (and that’s the same with working with me I assume).

I want to spend so much time with my son but also I don’t want to lose myself. I was a whole independent person for 30 years before him. And now trying to work out who I am as a newly diagnosed Autistic, newly recognised Attention Hyperactive person, a newly out queer and trans person.

All this after covid lockdowns which were very mixed for me and absolutely horrifying and life changing for others. My sister-in-law lived in fear due for my brother as he is vulnerable and he went about business mostly as per usual (thanks capitalism).

So, post lockdowns, post coming out, post recognition, post uni and post baby I look at myself and can’t work out who the fuck I am and what I want from life.

None of us are given the time to process and reflect after all the horrible shit that’s happened to all of us over the last few years. I just need a reset. I think we could all probably benefit from that.

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