Alexithymia: emotional processing ‘gone wrong’

person wearing round analog watch

An example of my experience with alexythima…

This morning I woke up feeling a feeling. It felt like a big feeling but I couldn’t explain what is was let alone what it meant.

I went on with my day with this weird feeling sitting somewhere in my stomach and chest.

I fed little man, put him to sleep and got on with some work for my dissertation. The feeling was still there, watching me, as if waiting for me to respond to it.

I couldn’t work out if it was an emotion or a physical need which wasn’t being met.

I didn’t know if it was positive or negative just that it felt big.

Little man wakes up, we go swimming. Come back and have lunch.

The feeling is still lurking, it’s not doing anything just sitting there waiting. Proding me every so often so I don’t forget that I need to see it, understand it and then pack it away.

We are sitting on the floor playing. Suddenly, a bulb lights up: the feeling I’m experiencing is relief!

I had been waiting on something for a little while and find it difficult when things go uncompleted.

As of yesterday this task was completed, finishing an event which had been four months of planning, doing and then packing down.

I’ve done it, all expectations from all involved have been matched and I can let go of that part of my executive memory.

It took me 6.5 hours to work out what my body / emotions were trying to tell me. Then what it was called and then why I felt it.

And, if I’m honest that is how I process emotions on a good day.

Welcome to Alexithymia, population: me.

3 responses to “Alexithymia: emotional processing ‘gone wrong’”

  1. I am right there with you! It is such a conscious, effortful thing to notice what’s happening in my body … and that’s even before I get to figuring out the why of it! Uuuugh. I’m getting a little better at it all, though. (May that continue to be the case for both of us!)

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